


Wizards are masters of the art of imaginary punishment and self-flagellation

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotionally Repressed, Essek Thelyss-centric, Gen, Heartache, Introspection, Loneliness, Missing Scene, No Dialogue, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27719404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: The Mighty Nein is gone, and Essek doesn't quite know how to handle it after living every day with them nearby, and it's safe to say that this is the cruellest punishment that he's ever experienced.Before them, he never thought it was possible to sustain a physical pain from a metaphysical injury, but now that he is experiencing it first hand, he can't help but wonder if all those tales of people dying from a broken heart are true after all.
Relationships: The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Kudos: 44





	Wizards are masters of the art of imaginary punishment and self-flagellation

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know why I wrote this, but after I caught wind of Essek maybe being spoken to in the last episode, I just really had to write something from Essek's perspective! I've never written an Essek fic, much less one about him only? Anyway, I really like this idea, but I'm hoping that it isn't too repetitive! I was a little worried about writing it because I honestly don't know too much about Essek, but I'm hoping that you guys enjoy this! I think I'm happy with how it turned out, but only time will tell haha.

It is easy to claim that the worst day of Essek's relatively short life was when the group known best as the Mighty Nein turned their backs on him and left him to contemplate his actions on the lowest deck of the Ball Eater a mere day before the peace talks. 

Once those are finally, thankfully, over, he bids the Nein adieu, assuming that they would return home and that he would see them not long later in Xhorhas. But despite his hope and his many hours of faithful waiting, they do not return.

Waiting at their doorstep and asking around for any sight of them is suspicious, so after a couple of days of this, he goes back to his regular daily schedule. He knows that he has no cause to worry. He, more so than most, is painfully aware of just how capable the Nein are, even if they can be bumbling idiots most of the time. But they are frightening the rest of the time, and that tends to be even more surprising whenever it occurs. Besides, they will send word to him if they needed him. Right?

Days pass slowly, and Essek has to learn how to live without the Mighty Nein again, something he never thought he would have to do.

He studies. He stands by his mother's side. He diligently waits on the Bright Queen's orders. He peruses the library. He reads. He oversees the duties and tasks that have been handed to him. And he spends too much time trying not to think about the Mighty Nein.

Though he loathes to admit it, he truly does miss those colourful fools. He misses Jester's daily messages containing often random statements and questions. He misses Fjord's straight-forward honesty. He misses Caleb's intellectual curiosity. He misses Yasha's gentle nature. He misses Caduceus's ageless wisdom and jolly laughter. He misses Veth's prying inquiries and often deeply crying questions.

He misses being woken in the middle of the night by Jester's cheery voice in his head. He misses visiting the ostentatiously presented and aptly named Xhorhouse and being greeted by Fjord's smiling face. He misses hearing Caduceus's deep voice echoing through the warmly lit home. He misses chilling by the hot-tub with Beau and Yasha as they exchange gossip. He misses studying in comfortable silence with Veth and Caleb as Frumpkin winds around their legs and purrs.

He simply misses _them_ , and the absolute, all-consuming light that they bring to his life daily without even trying. As a drow, he had never known that kind of pure light to ever be a good thing.

It was such a small thing that made such a big impact, but he hadn't known what it would feel like to be without them until they were gone.

His days are empty now, and he finds himself taking time out of his daily commute to pass the Xhorhouse and hope the hopeless hope that they will be there.

This, he thinks as another day cycle goes by without hearing Jester's voice, is truly the punishment that he deserves for all the wrongs he has committed. He just never thought such a punishment would come from the likes of the Mighty Nein.

His days grow darker as he gives up any hope of them returning, and he resigns himself to never seeing them again.

But he can't blame them. No, he can never blame them, for he deserves everything he gets. He has made his bed and now he must lie in it.

He lives in anxiety for a few days, but no guards come to take him away in chains to kneel before the Bright Queen, so he is assured that the Nein have retained their oath to keep his secret safe, but he knows that can change at any moment, that they will finally realize how horrible and wretched he is, and that any ties to him will just weigh them down-

Before them, he never thought it was possible to sustain a physical pain from a metaphysical injury, but now that he is experiencing it first hand, he can't help but wonder if all those tales of people dying from a broken heart are true after all.

Slowly, he accepts his punishment and has to learn to live without the Mighty Nein.

He diligently pours over his notes and reads through the many tomes stacked sky-high beside his desk. He writes more letters to his brother in the past few weeks than he has in years, and he actually sends a couple of them. He keeps himself busy and does everything he can to not think about his friends.

It probably shouldn't bother him as much as it does, but every time he thinks that he might finally be over the heartache, he realizes that if something were to happen to them, if they were in need of his help or, god forbid, they are all slaughtered in the unfortunate end to a battle, and Essek only hears about it when news of their deaths travels across the continent and their bodies were delivered in-

He will be the first to admit that he isn't the most friendly person in all of Xhorhas, but he has never had any reason to be. He takes comfort in his books, finds solace in the high bookshelves of the library, feels at ease with his isolation. 

In all honesty, it feels like the fabric of the universe is tearing around him, as if something otherworldly is reaching into his very soul and is slowly ripping him apart from the inside out. The Mighty Nein has left a startling impact on his being, and their prolonged absence has left a deep ache where he thought no pain would be able to reach.

He misses them. He misses the Nein with all his heart and soul, and he hates himself for it. He hates how dependant he has become on their contact, their company, their friendship, and despises just how much their absence has affected him.

This punishment is all he deserves. Frankly, he deserves much, much worse, but the Mighty Nein are too good for that, too righteously good and notoriously kind, and they would never hurt Essek the way he deserves to be hurt.

They are too good for him, he knows. He has always known this, from the moment they eagerly befriended him when he had tried to use their kindness against them, to when they discovered his treachery and allowed him to lave with nothing but a kiss on the forehead and a new-found family.

But is that what really happened, or is that just his foolish wishful thinking? He's been doing a lot of that lately since he met them.

His heart grows heavy, and his soul grows dark, and his thoughts grow cloudy as he tries to forget about the Nein and focus on his work. It hurts as much as a knife to the heart.

The old Essek would laugh at his own foolishness, would take pity on his soft heart and wishful thinking. The new Essek, however, aches to be reunited with his friends, and he finds himself absently praying to the Luxon for their safety, despite his absence of faith.

Just when Essek is beginning to accept his fate and his punishment and his loneliness, he hears that cheerful, musical, warm and quite frankly, _lovely_ voice in his head, speaking to him as if nothing has changed at all. And maybe nothing has.

_"Hi, Essek! It's Jester! Do you remember me? Sorry, we haven't spoken in a while, we've been super-duper busy not dying lately, but how are-?"_

And just like that, his heart is lighter, his scowl has become a smile and his soul slowly begins to realign, and all is right in his world.

_"Well, hello Jester. It has been a while, hasn't it? I'm doing very well, though it gets quite lonely sometimes. Come visit me soon"_

**Author's Note:**

> I know that this isn't exactly how Jester's message went at the end of the last episode, but I had this idea before I watched it, so I wanted to stay true to my idea so that it can be a sort of stand-alone.


End file.
